Svelte Newshttp://www.svelte.net.nz/index.htmlNews from New Zealand's Top Bourgeoisie Bandensveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzCopyright 2007 Svelte2008-07-18T07:21:01+12:00 hourly 1 2000-01-01T12:00+00:00 Fri, 18 Jul 2008 09:46:05 +1200SvelteSveltesveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzNew Zealand Rockin Soul, ex-Supergroove membersWelcome listners from The Rock...sveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2008-07-18T07:21:01+12:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/d6bb48515d5969129e6c3f9e48183f64-31.html#unique-entry-id-31http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/d6bb48515d5969129e6c3f9e48183f64-31.html#unique-entry-id-31Off The Record
If you've been hearing Svelte's debut single 'Grind Your Bones' on 'Off The Record' (or if you haven't) and you wish to hear it again, be our guest. Or do us a bloody huge favour and request it from The Rock here...



QuantcastDepending on your connection, the song may take a few seconds to start.

If you're new to Svelte, more info below:
Upcoming gigs | More about Svelte | Contact Svelte

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]]>Gig: Svelte At The Whammy Bar Friday July 11th With The Defendantssveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2008-06-25T09:14:20+12:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/4eb1708e9f320d46dbe7c7b2b5f6c4d3-30.html#unique-entry-id-30http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/4eb1708e9f320d46dbe7c7b2b5f6c4d3-30.html#unique-entry-id-30here.

SvelteGig11_06_08]]>Svelte on Fancy New Band bCastsveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2008-04-11T10:35:23+12:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteBFMFancyNewBand.html#unique-entry-id-29http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteBFMFancyNewBand.html#unique-entry-id-29bfmpic
bFM Breakfast features a live band every Thursday and this week Svelte were stoked to add 'fancy' to their mighty list of descriptors (our favourite description to date being: 'Svelte, it's like being felt up only you enjoyed it').

You can hear Svelte on the bCast page here.
The Fabian Fanboy bCast is also hot! hot! hot!

]]>A Phallic Kerfuffle: "Damn Good PR" Says Band PR Gurusveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2008-04-02T12:50:49+13:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/fancynewband.html#unique-entry-id-28http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/fancynewband.html#unique-entry-id-28

Svelte were disappointed to learn that naked swimming during 'Fancy New Band' is not allowed - a spot of tea-bagging using José Barbosa's ample boom booms is considered polite however.


AUCKLAND – Bubbly band-boys, Svelte, have announced they'll be appearing on Mike Havoc's 'Fancy New Band'. "The guys are bloody stoked" said Shogun Ham of Pizzaz PR. "I knew the 'Bishop Brian Tamaki/Urge leather party/Whip my holy relic' fiasco would pay big PR dividends in the end. After receiving the 'Fancy New Band' news, I can tell you the boys are now only slightly ashamed of the 'interactive' sermon they received".

However, the Band's lead singer, Tim Stewart, played down rumours of last year's phallic kerfuffle, saying the band's new-found success has more to do with a recent reaffirmation ceremony, while drummer boy, Jamie Woolright, thought the band's brand values and strategic framework were responsible. Svelte's excited guitar player, Ben Sciascia, named 2008 as 'Svelte Bout' saying: "2008 will be the year Svelte deliver right hook after right hook".

In reality, Svelte could only point to a small upcoming left jab, a gig called 'Bitch at the Whammy' (on April 11), they do seem quite fired up though. I guess that's someting.

Fancy New Band:
Thursday April 10, Mike Havoc's Breakfast on 95BFM.
Fuck knuckles, cock and piss... balls. Thank you.

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]]>Gig: Svelte At The Whammy Bar Friday April 11th With The Vietnam Warsveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2008-04-01T06:36:51+13:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/bitchthewhammy.html#unique-entry-id-27http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/bitchthewhammy.html#unique-entry-id-27here.

SvelteGig11_04_08]]>Home-Handy-Band: Top Tips From The World's Most Glamorous Womansveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2008-01-18T10:47:31+13:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/homehandybandtoptips.html#unique-entry-id-26http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/homehandybandtoptips.html#unique-entry-id-26toptips
Maximize your god given assets and take your band's look into the stratosphere. Details here.]]>Gig: Svelte at The Indie Club January 2008sveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2007-12-20T09:21:27+13:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/sveltegigjan2008.html#unique-entry-id-24http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/sveltegigjan2008.html#unique-entry-id-24here.]]>Svelte support Die! Die! Die!sveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2007-12-15T10:47:39+13:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/sveltediediedie.html#unique-entry-id-25http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/sveltediediedie.html#unique-entry-id-25here. Special thanks to Nicky for the photos.

sveltegatslive

sveltelive

timlive

benlive

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]]>Briefly: Local Band Back To 592 Myspace Friendssveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2007-10-12T08:21:44+13:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/1d9d613e6e30b1dea94173e7e0e47185-23.html#unique-entry-id-23http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/1d9d613e6e30b1dea94173e7e0e47185-23.html#unique-entry-id-23

Everyone seems to be dying on Myspace – game over man, go to Facebook.


IN BREIF – Sad sulkers, Svelte, have admitted they're losing Myspace friends. "This sucks" the bands lead singer and sensitive song writer Tim Stewart howled on Monday."Our guitarist spent well over 2 days inviting all of Odessa's friends, we're a sinking ship man, what's next?".

Jamie Woolright, the band's drummer was unable to explain why a critical Myspace affirmation was left off the band's recent weekend affirmation retreat, despite being the organiser of the love-fest.

The band's guitarist however, Mr Ben Sciascia pulled no punches while stomping around his Westmere bungalow: "I told Jamie we should've added a 'Myspace friends are pouring into our friendspace' chant to the end of the 'I love my ears, they hear well and enable me to listen' hand holding mirror affirmation – Jamie's got a lot to answer for." Source=Etlevs

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]]>Local Band Hit 601 Myspace Friendssveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2007-08-30T12:19:17+12:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteAcquire601MyspaceFriends.html#unique-entry-id-22http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteAcquire601MyspaceFriends.html#unique-entry-id-22

Proof of the milestone - Svelte are the real deal.


AUCKLAND – Local rockers, Svelte, have announced the acquisition of their 600th Myspace friend. The 600th friend was approved at 12:25pm New Zealand time, and coincided with a reaffirmation of Svelte's values and strategic framework:

'Svelte: In our chosen markets, we are the leader in client satisfaction, professionalism, superior quality and innovation that adds value to our working partnerships with our clients - consistently exceeding expectations with a superior understanding of client needs and the environment in which our clients operate.’

"This milestone couldn't have come at a better time" said Svelte's drummer, Jamie Woolright. "After a year of recording disappointments, we decided to recommit to our music, our fans and to each other with a reaffirmation ceremony. The MySpace news came as we rapt up the 'Wealth is pouring into our life' meditation, right before the 'We possess an endless supply of creativity, energy and tolerance for any project we assume' lucid dream dancing." Source=Etlevs

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]]>Band Forced By New Zealand On Air To Video Bits Of Cardboardsveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2007-06-19T09:46:59+12:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteForcedToVideoCardboard.html#unique-entry-id-21http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteForcedToVideoCardboard.html#unique-entry-id-21

Filming bits of moving cardboard?
What a bunch of arse.


AUCKLAND – Luckless local lads, Svelte, have announced a concept for their first video - but nobody is celebrating. The band had hoped to be cruising in a groovy old surf car, ending up at a Grey Lynn villa to party with local actors, models and music stars - basically a beavy of beauties.

"We've been planning this video all our lives, since we were little boys" said a despondent Tim Stewart - Svelte's lead-singer. "Jamie used to chat up his dog when he was younger and Ben used to draw a perm on his pillow and pretend he was kissing Sandra Kerns at the ultimate video wrap party... but New Zealand On Air (NZOA) have crushed those dreams".

According to Svelte's enigmatic guitarist, Ben Sciascia, the band will have to make do with filming bits of cardboard. "After a whole year of trying to get a video grant from NZOA (see Unknown Local Band Reportedly “Pissed” At Missing Out On Funding (Again)), I was forced to use the old noggin, I really had to put my thinking cap on and come up with a video concept that would cost next to nothing... because thats all we have now, nothing".

"Jamie had some cardboard in his garage and I'd just purchased a new Digital SLR, you know the one with the 18-90mm 35mm equivalent zoom lens? We decided to paint the cardboard and film it moving around frame by frame. We hope it will look similar to Radiohead's "Street Spirit" but shot using bits of cardboard on carpet without any slow motion" Ben concludes.

No one is looking forward to seeing this video and no one cares if it's ever released. New Zealand On Air refused to comment and this reporter has had a guts full of writing fictitious crap for dead-beat websites (in my office right now please Jill – ED). Source=Etlevs

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]]>Local Band Set To Update Bass-Drum Logosveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2007-04-11T08:35:30+12:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteBassDrumLogoUpdate.html#unique-entry-id-20http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteBassDrumLogoUpdate.html#unique-entry-id-20

Say, that's a nice logo.


AUCKLAND – Local lads, Svelte, are hoping a new bass-drum logo will change everything, but can a new logo really take a band to the top? We talk to brand-solutions guru, Miles Niles about turning your band into a brand. Miles Niles is a vision guidance leader for dynamic brand-solutions agency Puff. "When one of our marketing gurus or design experts has an idea, the rest of us look at him or her with serious expressions and write stuff down." says Miles Niles.

Miles Niles has recently turned his attention to Music and more specifically, our lovable local lads, Svelte. "These guys don't really fit into any kind of Global Awareness Paradigms or Market Consciousness Philosophies. They've lost there way a bit." he says.

Despite the depressing brand issues, the band hope to 'dig deep' and relaunch a new bass drum-logo to coincide with their debut single in March. "Yeah, every time I catch a glimpse of our current logo on stage, I just don't feel right... I start worrying about our internal brand culture, are we even happy?" says Svelte's lead singer Tim Stewart.

"But we're not only changing our logo, we're creating a vision statement and a single minded proposition - we're really fired up!" says drummer Jamie Woolright.

Meanwhile, 'The Big Four' record companies have reacted favourably to Svelte's draft vision statement and strategic framework:
'Svelte: In our chosen markets, we are the leader in client satisfaction, professionalism, superior quality and innovation that adds value to our working partnerships with our clients - consistently exceeding expectations with a superior understanding of client needs and the environment in which our clients operate.’ Source=Etlevs

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]]>Band Tired Of Updating Web-Newssveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2007-03-08T08:33:09+13:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteTiredOfWebNews.html#unique-entry-id-19http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteTiredOfWebNews.html#unique-entry-id-19<>

shape
AUCKLAND - (Where the hell is this story? - ED).
Source=Routers

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]]>Svelte To Help Other Bands Keep Black T-Shirts Neatly Foldedsveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2007-02-14T08:31:12+13:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteKeepBlackTShirtsFolded.html#unique-entry-id-18http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteKeepBlackTShirtsFolded.html#unique-entry-id-18

Svelte are giving back with a ground breaking Home-Handy-Band Series - tips from Auckland’s top bourgeoisie band.


AUCKLAND–Local band Svelte, have announced a new initiative designed to help emerging artists. The new Svelte Home-Handy-Band Series features hints and tips gained over many years in the bizz.

Together, the three members of Svelte have a combined musical experience of 47 years which is a lot according to Svelte’s drummer, Jamie Woolright. “Yeah, thats more experience... than years I’ve been alive... I’m not even sure how that works”.

The Svelte Home-Handy-Band-Series has officially launched today and offers tips covering a wide range of subjects such as, band bonding, cooking on the road and how to pack your black T-shirts properly. “New Zealand music is maturing and the time is right for this kind of digital hints portfolio” Jamie notes.

The Home-Handy-Band-Series can be found here.
Source=Etlevs

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]]>Svelte Now On iTunessveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2007-01-12T08:27:28+13:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteiTunes.html#unique-entry-id-17http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteiTunes.html#unique-entry-id-17

Everyone wants to be part of the global digital music phenomenon – even your mum has a bloody blog.


AUCKLAND – Local lads, Svelte, have cemented their worldwide distribution plans with 4 songs on the New Zealand iTunes music store (free download). "We want to be part of the global digital music phenomenon like everyone else" said Svelte's IT Manager, Bernard Manning. "I like to keep the guys up to date so they don't miss out on anything... I mean, you'll be able to have sex with robots soon".

Click here to view the Svelte page on the iTunes music store - requires iTunes which is available free here.

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]]>Fans Yearn For A Music Safety Recallsveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2006-12-19T08:22:29+13:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteMusicSafetyRecall.html#unique-entry-id-16http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteMusicSafetyRecall.html#unique-entry-id-16

The look on the SonyBMG digital music mascat says it all; “What the hell are you doing?”


AUCKLAND – Rumour sites are abuzz with regard to an "IMPORTANT SAFETY RECALL" seen on Svelte's website. Rumours claim the New Zealand band is gearing up for a product recall, despite having never released any products.

We spoke to Patricia Wright of the SSC (Svelte Street Cats) who is desperate to comply with the safety recall, but has no CD to return. "Svelte fans are so inclusive, we'd love to participate in a safety recall" said Patricia longingly. "Celine's fan base had plenty of drama a couple of years ago... oh I dream of something like that for us".

In 2005, Celine Dion fans had cause for celebration. SonyBMG’s CD copy-restriction software masked itself using techniques employed by hackers and allowed several pieces of malicious software to "piggyback" onto fans PC's. This left the computers vulnerable to outside terror attacks. “We hope to provide a digital music fiasco on a similar scale” said Svelte’s IT Manager, Bernard Manning. “In fact, I’ll stake my reputation on the fact we can match or better the big boys”.

But fans will have to wait until the release of Svelte’s debut 6-track EP. At that time, they’ll know for sure if they’re caught up in a scandalous, digital-rights fiasco of their very own. Source=Etlevs

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]]>Svelte Featured on AMPed New Music Weekly Podcastsveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2006-11-08T08:19:26+13:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteAMPed.html#unique-entry-id-15http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteAMPed.html#unique-entry-id-15

The Official Podcast of the Association of Music Podcasting.


Svelte’s track ‘Cat’s Paw’ has been doing the rounds amongst various Podcasts recently. The latest Podcast to include the track has been AMPed New Music Weekly – The Official Podcast of the Association of Music Podcasting.

“We think it’s choice” said Svelte’s drummer, Jamie Woolright early Wednesday morning. “Normally when Ben wakes me up with band news, I raise one eyebrow, fart and go back to sleep. This morning I jumped out of bed, cleaned my teeth twice and went straight to work.”

Special thanks goes to Gabor Kovacs of the Electrical Language Podcast for submitting Cat’s Paw to The Official Podcast of the Association of Music Podcasting – AMPed.

Svelte’s track ‘Cat’s Paw’ is on AMPed Show #46 which can be found here.

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]]>Svelte's Singer Absolutely Destroys Latest Dimmer Album...sveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2006-11-01T08:17:18+13:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteDimmer.html#unique-entry-id-14http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteDimmer.html#unique-entry-id-14

AUCKLAND–Svelte's lovable but often clumsy lead singer, Tim Stewart, has reportedly destroyed a brand new copy of Dimmer's latest album during an interview at Radio Active. The incident occurred during the off-air banter that DJ's and bands often engage in - usually while advertisements are playing. Tim was handed a brand new copy of Dimmer's latest offering in order to examine the non-existent CD-face artwork. "It all happened so fast' explained Tim. "When I didn't cup the cardboard packaging with both hands, I knew I was in real trouble".

The owner of the CD, Public Address's Damian Christie, politely dismissed the accident despite witnessing the cardboard being crumpled in half as the singer tried to catch the tumbling CD - effectively 'clapping' and therefore crushing the cardboard cover in a rather forceful manner against his thigh.

Svelte's guitarist, Ben Sciascia, also witnessed the accident and felt alcohol could’ve been to blame. "Alcohol was definitely a contributing factor, as was speed. If only he'd used both hands initially, then he wouldn't have fumbled and destroyed the artwork in such a brutal and final manner" Ben said on Monday.

Ironically, the cover artwork clearly depicts a pair of cupped hands, as if demonstrating the proper way to receive a beautiful cardboard gift. Source=Etlevs

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]]>Svelte Included On The Electrical Language Podcast...sveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2006-10-17T08:15:07+13:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteElectricalPodcast.html#unique-entry-id-13http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteElectricalPodcast.html#unique-entry-id-13

Svelte Included On The Electrical Language Podcast...


Svelte are proud to be included on the Electrical Language Podcast No. 44. The Electrical Language Podcast is free and always includes a wide variety of interesting music from around the globe.

Subscribe to the Podcast free of charge here.

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]]>Svelte's Promotion Just A String Of Outrageous Liessveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2006-09-12T08:13:06+12:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteOutrageousLies.html#unique-entry-id-12http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteOutrageousLies.html#unique-entry-id-12

Are Svelte and Pizzaz PR serving us the crud left in the sink when boys feed the cat?


AUCKLAND–During the post-orgasmic-haze that follows a blow job, Shogun Ham of Pizzaz PR (Svelte's PR Firm) tried to explain the mess his firm and local band, Svelte are embroiled in. "Svelte aren't the hip-hopin' soul-funksters they promised they'd be, things aren't working out the way I had planned...yeah, I've had to stretch the truth and on top of all that, I probably just got you pregnant."

After explaining that people don’t get pregnant from blow jobs, and that I'm a man, Shogun tried to justify some of his firm's attention-grabbing headlines; "The whole Starving Africans thing worked bloody well" (see the full report here) "I mean, church groups were outraged, Bishop Brian Tamaki went out of his way to make his displeasure known while attending Urge's last leather party: 'Whip My Holy Relic'" See a photo here.

Better known for his work with the Glen Innes Rate Payers Association, Shogun teamed up with Svelte in an aliance that promised much (see the full report here) but so far, has only delivered outrageous slander and malicious, damaging lies. Shogan, however, remains defiant; "I feel like I'm contributing...I can hold my head up high, I get respect and I feel dignified, two things I've wanted all my life - plus I like dressing up in this cowboy outfit." Source = Etlevs

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]]>Huge Zit Threatens OdESSA Gigsveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2006-08-18T08:10:59+12:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteOdESSA.html#unique-entry-id-11http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteOdESSA.html#unique-entry-id-11

Unlike grubby boys, daddy’s perfect little angel doesn’t get zits, pustules or cysts.


AUCKLAND–Svelte's enigmatic guitar player, Ben Sciascia, is reportedly worried about a gigantic zit currently plaguing his right cheek. In a blithering splutter of half-truths and fictitious angular spin, Svelte's PR firm, Pizazz PR, told reporters there was nothing to worry about saying: 'One of the names being considered for Svelte's debut EP is Clearasil Calamity, Pus-Bag Hilarity...' and that 'the current situation will provide a fantastic photo opportunity for the cover artwork' (EP due late February 2007).

Meanwhile, sources close to Wellington band OdESSA, say the band has serious misgivings regarding possible zit hi-jinks, and that the band's bass player, Paul Mouncey (introduced to Svelte only as 'Paul') told OdESSA's guitarist and lead singer (introduced to Svelte as 'Armitage' and 'Pender') that OdESSA's drummer, Matt 'Puba' Swain, is still fuming over Svelte mistakingly calling Puba 'Pablo' while supporting them last month.

Svelte's lead singer, Tim Stewart, later told reporters his head was awash with unchristian-like first names and felt extremely befuddled. He was apologetic regarding the incident but was also relieved to hear that the names used by OdESSA, were nicknames: 'I'm very sorry and hope that 'Puba' Pablo picked peppers, but Run rocked rhymes. Humpty Dumpty fell down, that's his hard time. He's the better of the best, best believe he's the baddest. Perfect timin' when I'm climbin' I'm a rhymin' apparatus. Lot of guts when he cuts, girls move their butts. His name is 'Puba' hear him play, he must be nuts.'

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]]>Lead Singer Suffers Self-Love Implosionsveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2006-07-17T08:07:34+12:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteLoveImplossion.html#unique-entry-id-10http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteLoveImplossion.html#unique-entry-id-10

Nick Cave mixed with Shane McGowan and Tom Waits sounds good, but does it look a bit weird?


IN BREIF–Tim Stewart, lead singer (and dynamic front man) for local band Svelte, has been described as "a little bit of Nick Cave mixed with Shane McGowan and Tom Waits." The comments were made by a New Zealand music fan on Muzic.net.nz. See the post here.

Meanwhile, on a rival site, NZ Music.com, a poster described the band's song 'Grind your Bones' as "dirty and sexy and grown-up and pre-apocalyptic". See the post here.

After the comments, the lead singer's ego became so engorged, self loving mucous oozed from every pore on his face – turning his beard ginger. Tim later admitted himself to hospital, in an attempt to stop the love juice from reaching his groin area. Tim's partner later told reporters their relationship would've been over if Tim's minge had turned ginge. Doctors said the procedure was successful, saying "...anyone going down on Mr Stewart won't be met by burning bush baby, that's not what he's got". Source = Etlevs

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]]>Svelte Announce Plans To Stare In Different Directionssveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2006-06-15T08:05:44+12:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteStareDifferentDirections.html#unique-entry-id-9http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteStareDifferentDirections.html#unique-entry-id-9

Multi-directional staring in a groovy car - What a fucking crock of shit.


AUCKLAND—In what many record-industry insiders are calling a bold move, members of Svelte announced Monday, plans to stare in different directions for an upcoming press shot.

Guitarist Ben Sciascia said he will stare off to his right, as if gazing purposefully into an uncertain, yet hopeful, future. Lead singer Tim Stewart will stare down the barrel of the lens, burdened by the weight of injustices all over the world and drummer Jamie Woolright will look up, as if searching for guidance from a higher power.

However, lead singer Tim Stewart is not committed to staring down the lens, saying, "That is a decision I can only make in the actual moment of artistic creation. But it’ll be a different direction from the other two, you can count on that."
The multi-directional staring is expected to take place during an upcoming press shot in a groovy car, against a harsh urban backdrop. Source = The Onion

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]]>Shogun Ham Says: PR Is 'Bands Best Friend'sveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2006-05-14T08:03:41+12:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteShogunHam.html#unique-entry-id-8http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteShogunHam.html#unique-entry-id-8

Dynamic merchandise and live music - A match made on The Pacific Princess.


AUCKLAND–Local band Svelte, recently announced a strategic alliance that could have far reaching consequences for K' Road's live music scene. Svelte and top-notch Auckland promoter, Shogun Ham, signed a heads of agreement on Friday that could pave they way for a torrent of Svelte marketing and merchandise.

Joyce Tempest, a Panmure-based community fund raiser, was very impressed with a recent project Shogun completed for a rival organisation. "The vision statement and brand architecture Shogun developed for the Glen Innes Ratepayers Association or GIRPA (pronounced 'GURPA' by the organisation's new happy-go-lucky frog brand-mascot) was simply stunning - The results speak for themselves." Joyce is however "not impressed" with this new announcement from Shogun. "Our community was hoping for similar pizzaz, but we can't be associated with New Zealand music, it's just too grubby".

Meanwhile, the music industry is taking a wait-and-see approach before making plans to combat this new alliance. Source = Etlevs

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]]>Guitarist's Girlfriend Spots Emerging Pattern Baldnesssveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2006-04-10T08:00:36+12:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SveltePatternBaldness.html#unique-entry-id-7http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SveltePatternBaldness.html#unique-entry-id-7

Who could forget their TV Ad - textbook branding people.


AUCKLAND–The girlfriend of a local guitarist is worried about the emergence of pattern baldness. "I’m worried he’s left his run a bit late, we’ve spent a fortune on guitar equipment and I only agreed to spend that sort of money after he promised his band would be really big."

According to an industry source, this could really hurt the band’s chances. "If he can shave his head and make it appear as though he's still got hair (like Justin Timberlake in that 'Rock Your Body' video) he may still have a chance." Attempts to reach the guitarist have failed, although a message left on this reporter’s mobile phone has been traced to the Australian franchise "Advanced Hair", the message left was "Yeah Yeah".
A recent photo of the guitarist does not reveal the extent of his baldness, but many people believe it must be noticeable for his girlfriend to comment so publicly. "She can obviously see something we can’t" said a low-level junior. "But I can’t see how, she’s quite a bit shorter than he is. Maybe she’s noticed the baldness during cunnilingus."

Although there is no conclusive evidence, an expert from Advanced Hair, Yeah Yeah, told us to look out for a couple of hair styles. "If he starts growing his hair, he may be preparing for a comb-over. If his hair style doesn’t change, that could indicate the presence of plugs or some other hair treatment." Whatever the outcome, The guitarist's girlfriend is clear on her position, "That band better make it, or I’m outta here." Source = Etlevs

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]]>Unknown Local Band Reportedly “Pissed” At Missing Out On Funding (Again)sveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2006-03-16T17:39:18+13:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteNZOA.html#unique-entry-id-5http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteNZOA.html#unique-entry-id-5

NZOA and Prime Minister Helen Clark blamed by party goers for increased incidences of Band-Pain.


AUCKLAND—Unknown local band, Svelte, are reportedly pissed at missing out on a New Zealand On Air grant (again). “It’s clear a great injustice has occurred.” says a source close to the band. “I heard people at a recent party telling guitarist Ben Sciascia he was a local legend and that singer, Tim Stewart has a really beautiful voice”. “One guy even said that Helen had a lot to answer for.”

Prime Minister Helen Clark, who is a big supporter of New Zealand music was reportedly blamed by party goers for introducing the grants. “Drummer, Jamie Woolright made some valid points, saying that if they hadn’t started the grants, he wouldn’t be so disappointed” the source added.

Despite failing to qualify, the band plans to apply for more grants in the future, but is apprehensive saying: “Waiting to hear about a grant is just another stress that quite frankly bands don’t need”. Calls from the industry for more grants to help lower the incidents of Band-Pain are already falling on deaf ears. Source = Etlevs.

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]]>Band Perfectly Fine With Africans Starvingsveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2006-02-08T20:05:51+13:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteStarving.html#unique-entry-id-4http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteStarving.html#unique-entry-id-4

Svelte are apparently too busy to feed starving Africans.


AUCKLAND—Rock band U2, is well-known for its human-rights advocacy, particularly its ongoing campaign to eradicate poverty in Africa. Lesser known to music fans, local band Svelte, say they’re perfectly okay with the dismal plight of Africa’s poor.

"Yeah, that Africa stuff is U2’s thing" Svelte’s singer Tim Stewart said. While "not opposed" to Bono’s tireless efforts to improve the quality of life for impoverished third world citizens, Stewart is apparently too busy to spearhead an anti-poverty initiative of his own. "I’m sorry, but it just doesn’t mean all bands have to save the world. Ever since I discovered rock ’n’ roll, music has been my passion, and I’d be lying if I said it was something different like helping people."

Svelte’s guitarist, Ben Sciascia had this to say about the compassion displayed by U2, "I don’t mind if U2 pursue other interests, but I really try to focus on the guitar riffs that give Svelte its characteristic sound." Svelte’s drummer Jamie Woolright added: "You can’t reach the top of this business by feeding Africans." Source = The Onion

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]]>Mildly Amusing E-News Could Be Stolen From Funnier Sourcesveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2006-01-22T19:37:29+13:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteENews.html#unique-entry-id-2http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteENews.html#unique-entry-id-2

Source close to the band: “Yeah, it’s like a less funnier version of the Onion.”


AUCKLAND–Accusations are flying today as a local band’s attempts at generating publicity have come under fire from people who really know their stuff. Auckland band, Svelte have launched a new website which features a style of news that has been met with mixed reactions. Some people love the pathetically stupid nature of the stories, while others are perplexed, not knowing if the group is serious or not.

But a growing number of people that really know what they’re talking about are accusing the band of ripping-off a site called The Onion. A source close to the band may have inadvertently started the accusations when he told a friend to check out the band’s site saying, "yeah, it’s like a less funnier version of The Onion". He later revealed he had given the band’s guitarist a compendium of The Onion’s stories in an attempt to strengthen a "on very good terms but not that close" friendship, and that this Christmas gift may have been the catalyst for the stories.

"I didn’t think anyone would notice" Svelte’s guitarist Ben Sciascia said Monday. "It’s bloody hard to fill a website when you haven’t done dick, in fact, the story you’re reading now is another example of filler for the news section. Now that I’ve written enough words to fill the e-news template Source = Etlevs

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]]>Rehearsal Grogans Threaten 'Band Unity'sveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2005-12-01T19:31:29+13:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteBandUnity.html#unique-entry-id-1http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteBandUnity.html#unique-entry-id-1

Just like that really bad ‘Axis Of Evil’ a few years back, Grogans are a threat to National Security.


AUCKLAND–Local band, Svelte may be in deep trouble just two weeks after announcing their formation. According o a covers band who rehearse immediately after Svelte, the reasons for this trouble may lie in a bout of hangover flatulence (or grogans) that has besieged Svelte's rehearsals of late. "We have to air the rehearsal room for a good 10mins after they leave" said Rogan Josh, drummer for Auckland-based covers band, Termicide. "I've a mind to charge them, as it cuts into our rehearsal time".

Rogan also overheard an argument regarding the importance of "band unity" and how grogans don’t strengthen it. As yet, no one from Svelte has come forward to claim responsibility for the grogans, but it's likely to be one of the ex-Supergroove members, Tim Stewart or Ben Sciascia.

Supergroove's early years we're also marred by rehearsal flatulence, and experts agree their could be a link. "We now know about a fart, so bad, Supergroove members decided it was a dead animal in an air vent". The New Zealand music historian also went on to reveal another startling fact; "After cross-referencing the members of both bands, we've concluded Sciascia or Stewart are responsible, as they've belonged to both bands". The Parents of Svelte (TPOS) hope the band can overcome this issue, and feel there are bigger mountains to climb if the band is to earn enough for their parents' retirement. Source = Etlevs

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]]>Ex-Supergroove Members Form New Band: Sveltesveltenetnz@yahoo.co.nzSvelte Home2005-11-03T17:42:42+13:00http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteSupergroove.html#unique-entry-id-0http://www.svelte.net.nz/files/SvelteSupergroove.html#unique-entry-id-0

Ex-Supergroovers recruit a Woolright to help gain publicity.


AUCKLAND—Two ex-Supergroove members announced Monday the formation of a new band with drummer Jamie Woolright (cousin to the infamous Shelton Woolright of Blindspot-Nikki Watson-New Idea-Woman's Weekly fame). Although Svelte has been around since 1999 and already been through 3 line-up changes, the band were reportedly sick of playing to their friends and are ready to burst onto the scene. "We're tired of playing to our friends and we're not getting any younger" said the group's lead singer, Tim Stewart. "We have an hour's worth of original material... so... what are we doing?" a perplexed Stewart stammered.

Tim went on to reveal that he wanted the other two members, ex-Supergroove guitarist Ben Sciascia and drummer Jamie Woolright to stay out of lead-singer affairs such as interviews. "I'm the singer, I'm the songwriter, I'm the one who feels the heavy burden of poetically transforming my life's ebb and flow into song...talk to me...I'm right here."

It's unclear how the other members of Svelte feel about this early move by the lead singer, but industry insiders think it's a classic recipe for disaster - and could reveal why the band has been through so many line-up changes before being announced. Source = Etlevs

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